This is a parody of "The Gift of the Magi", by O. Henry.
20211218
The Gifts of the INTJ Magi
They were very poor, but like many INTJ's, had great ambition. Unfortunately, they were so poor, that their first Christmas together as a newlywed couple, they were unable to buy each other meaningful Christmas gifts. Alice and Bob talked it over, and since they already knew they loved each other very much, they really didn't need to buy each other expensive gifts to prove their love. And they were both content.
But Alice and Bob were too proud of the fact that they had so efficiently solved their Christmas conundrum, and they bragged about it to their friends, who had other Myers-Brigg's types.
"You can't do that!" they cried.
"Your first Christmas together is an important milestone for your relationship," they cried.
"Think of the memories... You'll never have another chance at a first Christmas together again!" they cried.
Alice and Bob just laughed... "We don't need memories like other Myers-Brigg's types", they said, discounting sentiment. "This is more efficient."
But privately, after they had left, their friend's words gnawed at them. What if they were right? What if this was an important first Christmas precedent? They liked setting good precedents. Sure, things might be good now, but think of the long term consequences if not getting each other gifts became the norm... Maybe one day, when hardships came, they wouldn't be quite as sure of each other's love, but by then the pattern of not buying gifts would be too entrenched to be changed. Many of their friends had been happily married longer than themselves... Maybe this was some great secret of happy marriages?
And so, being young and foolish, they heeded their friends advice. After all, they each cared more about the long-term stability of their marriage than their own happiness. Heck, if they had to choose one or the other, they each thought, they cared more about their spouse's happiness than their own.
Now, being an INTJ, Bob knew Alice would never agree to a plan where he sacrificed so that only Alice would get a nice Christmas gift, and vice-versa Alice would knew Bob would never agree to a plan where she had to sacrifice for his gift.
But, being INTJ's, they were no strangers to conspiracies and plots...
So Bob secretly sold his video-game console to buy Alice an expansion for her favorite board-game, while Alice secretly sold her favorite board-game to buy Bob a new video-game. As Christmas approached, each felt smug that they had secretly solved this relationship hurdle, and anxiously awaited Christmas to reveal their victory (and make their spouse happy).
On Christmas morning, Bob made the first move, and pulled out an uncharacteristically well-wrapped present.
"I thought we agreed we weren't getting each other anything?" she asked with an eye-brow raised.
"Well... I thought about it and figured all our friends might be right... We only have one chance to have a first Christmas."
"I guess I can't be upset... because I got you something too!" Alice replied with a twinkle in her eye, and she ran to get her present so they could open them together.
They briefly basked in the moment, feeling confident that not only had their plot succeeded, but they were each so discerning as to find the wisdom in their friends words, and so discover for themselves this secret to a happy marriage.
And then they opened their gifts, and saw with horror what they had done.
Bob's new video-game was worthless without his gaming console. And Alice's board-game couldn't be played without the base game.
By failing to coordinate, they had each acted against the maximal global happiness, and now neither could enjoy their gifts. They both burst into tears (since their Feelings-function was 3 sizes too small, and easily overwhelmed).
"I"m sorry!" they cried. "In my arrogance, I thought I could solve all our relationship problems by myself!"
They swore right then never to take unilateral action on any significant relationship concern again (unless it had to be taken in a timely manner without the ability to seek counsel). The next day, they sold the new video-game and board-game expansion, and used the money to buy themselves a nice breakfast (something they could both enjoy together).
Later, once the pain had settled, they told the story to their friends, who had other Myers-Briggs types. Their friends swooned, and tried to convince them that they had given each other the best possible gift: selfless love and devotion. But, as INTJs, Alice and Bob knew better. They already had selfless love and devotion. All they had given each other through their secrecy and plotting was a lesson in humility.
And so, with this lesson learned, they lived happily ever after til the end of their days as Utilitarians. Never again did they make sacrifices without being in coordinated agreement. But years later, they would tell the story to their grandchildren as one of the secrets to their long and happy marriage...
"Did we ever tell you about the time we made Christmas a Zero-Sum Game by discounting our own happiness and failed to achieve Pareto Efficiency?"
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